Key Takeaways:
- Open dialogue between parents and their teens/young adults is vital for providing education on healthy and safe relationships and increasing their self-efficacy. Avoiding conversations about sex does not prevent teens from having sex.
- Sex education needs to cover more than just birth control or STD prevention. Parent-child discussions should be well-rounded, including the topics of consent, boundaries, communication, and healthy intimacy.
- Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. This subject matter and these conversations can feel intimidating, but there are resources to help with parent-centered sex education and open communication.
Imagine that you never told your child to wear their seat belt in the car, never reminded them to look both ways before crossing the street, and never taught them how to tie their shoes before playing outside. Not because they don’t drive or ride in a car, walk across the street, or play outside, but because you were uncomfortable discussing what might happen if something went wrong. To think that a parent would avoid teaching safety, talking about danger, or reminding their child of habits that would protect them just to avoid facing an uncomfortable reality might sound silly in these contexts, but similar parental measures are often avoided for these very reasons when it comes to sex.
Whether your hesitations to talk about sex stem from cultural stigma, religious expectations, or simply a desire for your teen to remain abstinent, ignoring the existence of sex in your teen’s life will not make it disappear or prevent them from having sex. Studies show that teens raised in environments with a lack of parent-child communication regarding sex engage in sexual intimacy earlier and are more vulnerable to engaging in unsafe and risky sexual behaviors. Additionally, these teens reported lower self-esteem, academic and behavioral problems, as well as drug use. Their counterparts, teens who experienced communication and support from parents regarding sex, reported fewer experiences of depression and anxiety, exhibited more self-reliance and sexual self-efficacy, and reported older ages of first intercourse. The evidence indicates that the most effective way we can protect our teens from high-risk sexual behavior, sexual abuse, and unhealthy intimate relationships is through communication, support, and education. When we guide our children in these ways, we prepare them with the tools, knowledge, and confidence required to make safe and informed decisions about sex when they are ready.
Parenting and Educating about Sex in the Age of Technology
Teens will inevitably be exposed to sexual content throughout life. In the digital age, this exposure may arise earlier and appear more frequently than parents anticipate. Sexual content is easily accessible and abundant on social media, in television and film, and through internet pornography. Recent research on adolescent exposure to sex in the media revealed that sexual images and messages are almost universally presented in a positive light without the caveats of potential risks or warnings of the adverse consequences that can come with sexual activity. Media portrayals of sexual relationships often depict incomplete and inaccurate information that can reinforce unhealthy sexual behaviors in real life.
Other studies show that consumption of pornography and other sexual media in adolescence can lead to serious mental health consequences, acceptance of degrading behaviors (the belief that women are objects, and that a woman's value comes solely from her appearance), internalized violent sexual ideologies (the belief that it is acceptable to hit or strangle a romantic partner), and encourage earlier engagement in sexual activity. The media often portrays sex in a casual tone, models unconscious behaviors, and even idealizes the behaviors of sex addiction. Evidence shows that adolescents frequently model their behaviors after the media they consume. If teens are not equipped with adequate knowledge about healthy sexual boundaries and sexual risks, sexual content in the media might be their only source of information. The unrealistic, detrimental, and degrading depictions of sex in the media have the power to shape our teens’ understanding of sex and intimacy. This reality makes it even more pertinent that parents discuss healthy sexual behaviors with their teens and pre-adolescents to provide more holistic and accurate information than what is shown in the media.
Why Parents?
Our teens may have had the infamous “talk” about the birds and the bees, seen an animated puberty video in their junior high classroom, or practiced slipping a condom on a banana in sex ed. Your child’s school may touch on the importance of birth control, review basic bodily functions, and lecture on STD prevention. Still, these health classes are not always sufficient in protecting and preparing our teens for sexual intimacy.
In the United States, only 39 states mandate sex education. Even in those states, sexual education in schools demonstrates significant gaps in curriculum, particularly regarding the topics of sexual abuse, consent, and healthy boundaries. Many public school sex education programs are abstinence-only. Such a curriculum has been found to contain scientifically inaccurate information, distorting data on topics such as condom efficacy, and promoting gender stereotypes. Even if the sex education program at your child’s school has a well-rounded curriculum, your child may feel uncomfortable asking their sex ed teacher personal questions or sharing intimate thoughts in front of an entire classroom.
Given that our children are exposed to sexual content in the media, receive little to no sex education in school, and have an internet full of inaccurate information on sex in the palm of their hands, our parenting strategies must adjust accordingly. Parents and family members are shown to be the most powerful influencers over an adolescent’s sexual values, behaviors, and decisions about intimacy. It is our job as parents to step up, get comfortable with the uncomfortable, and make teaching safe sex a standard parenting practice.
How Can Parents Model, Educate, and Guide Healthy Sexual Habits?
Research on sexual behaviors shows that open conversations between parents and children about sex, healthy behaviors, and sexual safety make an impactful and positive difference. Teens who feel comfortable discussing sex are more likely to ask their parents questions, seek advice and support from them, and wait before engaging in sexual intimacy. Knowledge is power. When teens know the dialogue to establish healthy boundaries, they can effectively discuss their expectations and needs with future intimate partners. When they feel comfortable talking about sex, they can confidently choose to abstain from intimacy until they are ready. And when they are equipped with well-rounded sex education, they can avoid risky behaviors, dangerous relationships, and protect themselves from health problems when they do become sexually active.
Building Sexual Self-Efficacy
Parents can build their child’s sexual self-efficacy, the belief in one’s ability to successfully make decisions about their sexuality and avoid high-risk sexual behavior, early by modeling sexual self-efficacy themselves. To model sexual self-efficacy: display confidence and transparency when discussing sex, demonstrate healthy intimate behaviors and knowledge of sex education, model healthy boundaries, and employ a receptive attitude when approached with questions about sex and intimacy.
Research shows that children who observe sexual self-efficacy from their parents are more likely to develop their own sense of sexual self-efficacy. These individuals showed confidence to say no to unwanted sexual encounters, the ability to resist peer pressures to engage in sexual activity, and demonstrated communication and establishment of healthy boundaries with their future partners. Parents' behaviors and approach to sex are essential in building teens’ sexual self-efficacy even before they become sexually active. If we avoid the topic of sex altogether, we might hinder their ability to maintain healthy relationships or feel in control in intimate situations.
Conversations That Fill the Gaps
Safe sex is about more than just birth control. Well-rounded conversations about sex should include the topics of consent, healthy boundaries, sexual health, healthy communication, and healthy and unhealthy relationships. If you find that your child is unwilling to discuss sex with you directly, share these resources with them, or consider providing another safe adult or professional, like a therapist, for these conversations. While research shows that parents are the most powerful influencers when it comes to their child’s sexual habits, it is essential to cater to the needs of your situation to ensure that teens still get the information they need to stay safe.
Employ Sensitivity for Productive and Informative Conversations
Judgmental and disapproving messages regarding sex and conversations about sex may lead to the development of shame and anxiety surrounding intimacy, feelings which are predictive of engagement in unhealthy sexual behaviors in the future. Learn how to maintain a balance between educational and direct language and sensitivity to have productive talks about sex.
Remember, these conversations foster safety, support, and security. Talking about sex doesn’t have to be scary or awkward if we approach it with the right perspective, proper tools, and supportive guidance. A foundation of transparency, trust, and acceptance regarding sex is an important step in safeguarding against abuse. If something traumatic or dangerous occurs during intimacy, within the safe space you have created, your child will feel more comfortable coming to you or another safe adult for support.
Marcella Bee & Katie Kehring
Interns at #WeRideTogether
