There is no such thing as a ‘perfect victim’ or ‘perfect survivor’.

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Research shows that our attitudes and beliefs about what the perfect or ideal victim and/or survivor can broadly impact how we respond to victims/survivors, their reporting and help-seeking behaviors, and healing. Studies indicate that we tend to have more empathy and lend more support for those we perceive as ‘ideal or perfect' victims/survivors.

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However, there is really no such thing as “a perfect or ideal victim/survivor”...

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The reality:

• Anyone can be a victim of sexual abuse. 
• Anyone can perpetrate sexual abuse. 
• The only person responsible for the abuse is the perpetrator.
• We are all accountable for proactive prevention and how we respond to victims and perpetrators.
• There is no ‘right way’ to heal or a ‘correct’ response to experiencing sexual abuse. 
• Every survivor and circumstance is unique.

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We might not even realize it, but we may have a preconceived notion or idea of who “can be” a victim of rape or sexual violence, or what a sexual abuse survivor looks like. Our thoughts, beliefs, and ideas may be there for many reasons. We may be misinformed or thinking we would have done something different before, during, or after experiencing abuse. We may believe that how one person reacts is how everyone will respond. We may think the victim or the victim’s parents are at fault, or that perpetrators can only be certain people. 

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We may have deep-seated biases or believe myths revolving around ‘she was asking for it,’ ‘they put themselves in that position,’ ‘they could have prevented it,’ ‘they could have said no,’ ‘they could have fought back,’ ‘there is no way that they could be abused by their partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, parent, pastor, medical provider, coach, etc.’

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The chart below contrasts assumptions about how an ‘ideal or perfect’ victim/survivor should act, look, or respond, with facts and realities.

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Similarly, we may hold specific ideas of how someone should or would react in the short term and long term after experiencing abuse. We might think ‘of course, they would tell someone right away’, or ‘they would leave or get away from their abuser’. We may even think ‘it wasn’t that big of a deal,’ or ‘why aren’t they just getting over it?’

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The chart below contrasts the unrealistic standards often placed on victims/survivors and dismantles them with facts and realities.

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When left unchecked and unconfronted, these myths and stereotypes can be deeply harmful. They can color our perceptions of reality, lead to victim blaming and shaming, and impact our views and actions on engaging in prevention. It is of the utmost importance to believe and support victims/survivors, not only because very few allegations are false, but also because how we respond deeply matters regarding their accessing and receiving support and holding perpetrators accountable. Incidents of sexual violence are not isolated, but take place in – and must be understood in – their social contexts, emphasizing our collective accountability for how we proactively safeguard and support one another. 

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So the next time you hear about an incident of sexual abuse, or a survivor discloses to you, or you come across this subject matter, take a minute to pause. Check any presumptions you may have, substitute those biases and preconceptions with the facts, and insert compassion. Survivors may make choices that we do not understand. Their journey may differ from others we have seen, what we thought it might be like, or what we think we would do in their situation. However, we genuinely do not know what it's like to be in their shoes, and we can make a better choice to display non-judgment and empathy. This looks like setting your emotions and thoughts aside, as it is not about you, and doing no further harm by believing and supporting survivors. 

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If you or someone you know needs support, visit our resources and crisis resources.

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Kathryn McClain, MSW, MBA

Program and Partnerships Director at #WeRideTogether

kmcclain@weridetogether.today

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References

• Bach MH, Beck Hansen N, Ahrens C, Nielsen CR, Walshe C, Hansen M. Underserved survivors of sexual assault: a systematic scoping review. Eur J Psychotraumatol. 2021 Apr 9;12(1):1895516. doi: 10.1080/20008198.2021.
• Dworkin ER, Menon SV, Bystrynski J, Allen NE. Sexual assault victimization and psychopathology: A review and meta-analysis. Clin Psychol Rev. 2017 Aug;56:65-81. doi: 10.1016/j.cpr.2017.06.002. 
• Papendick, M., & Bohner, G. (2017). “Passive victim – strong survivor”? Perceived meaning of labels applied to women who were raped. PLOS ONE, 12(5), e0177550. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0177550‍
• Dworkin ER, Olff M. Sexual violence research across levels of the social ecology: from the individual to the societal. Eur J Psychotraumatol. 2024;15(1):2425243. doi: 10.1080/20008066.2024.2425243. 
• Taylor, Jessica. (2019). ‘Logically, I know I’m not to blame, but I still feel to blame’: Exploring and measuring victim blaming and self-blame of women who have been subjected to sexual violence. 10.13140/RG.2.2.12986.95682. ‍
• Ussery, C. (2022). The myth of the “ideal victim”: Combatting misconceptions of expected demeanour in sexual assault survivors. APPEAL: Review of Current Law and Law Reform, 27, 3–18. https://journals.uvic.ca/index.php/appeal/article/view/20619