*This article applies to adult victims/survivors. If you have observed or been informed about an issue of abuse or misconduct regarding a minor, please visit our resources and crisis resources pages for more information on mandated reporting and how to support minors.
“Abusers will lie. They will deny everything. They will blame and shame those they have hurt. And their victims will be re-victimized over and over again.”
Each survivor of abuse leads a different journey. Just as abuse often goes unreported, victims of abuse often take numerous attempts to leave, or never leave their abusers, subjecting them to further abuse and victimization. Victims may not even realize they are in an abusive relationship, and abusive relationships are not exclusive to intimate partner violence. Abuse can occur in any environment, usually perpetrated by individuals in positions of power, even if the relationship is not built on a mutual romantic interest. A relationship with a coach, an employer, or a peer can be abusive. Notable power dynamics contribute to abuse, making it more confusing to discern and difficult to leave. Victims may stay when they feel — or have been convinced — that there are no other options. Fear often reinforces this decision, as “the most dangerous time for a survivor is when they leave the abusive partner.”
When we witness one of our friends or family members fall back into an abusive relationship, we may be quick to judge and make assumptions about the nature of the relationship. But our reactions and responses are impactful, so we must choose words wisely. Above all, it is imperative to note that the victim is never at fault. The only person accountable for perpetrating abuse is the abuser. Placing blame on the victim or questioning their truth is an abusive tactic. These assumptions remove the safety a victim may have felt in turning to their family or friends for support. When a victim is isolated from their community, they are consequently pushed toward their abuser.
“Why won't they just leave?”
Leaving an abusive relationship is a tricky task, to say the least. Research shows that in intimate partner relationships, “it takes an average of 7 attempts for a survivor to leave their abuser and stay separated for good.” There are an abundance of reasons why victims may stay with or return to their abusers, and sometimes it takes decades for survivors to disclose abuse. By utilizing power and control mechanisms, abusers maintain authority to manipulate, deceive, and isolate their victims. Abusers can inflict numerous types of abuse within their relationships. These types of abuse often overlap and intersect to create an intricate web of destructive tactics, intentionally taking power and control away from victims and enabling the perpetrator.
For example, abusers may enact financial abuse. When abusers are in a dominant position, they may leverage power and control over their victims financially. The weaponization of finances not only places constraints on a victim's ability to leave but also often strips them of alternative paths beyond their abuser, orchestrating their return to the relationship.
Financial abuse can transpire within intimate partner violence, as “tactics used by an abuser to control their partner’s ability to acquire or maintain economic assets,” including “economic control, employment sabotage, and economic exploitation.” But financial abuse is not exclusive to romantic partnerships; it may also occur in the workplace, where the abuser has leverage over their victim. Abusers might limit or threaten their victims' opportunities, putting their livelihood at stake, in an attempt to keep them under control.
“If I tried to leave and go anywhere else, he would make it impossible. He said if I started my own business in the state that he would take me down.”
Financial abuse can be exemplified in sporting environments as well, when abusers utilize their superior position within the social hierarchy to adversely affect a victim's reputation and opportunities.
Financial abuse is usually accompanied by emotional/psychological abuse. Emotional abuse can present in a variety of ways. This can include, but is not limited to, “verbal assault, dominance, control, isolation, ridicule, or the use of intimate knowledge for degradation.”
It is often executed in an attempt to break down a victim's self-esteem and make them feel worthless.
“I was told that I couldn’t get out. I was told that I couldn’t leave. I was told that I wasn’t good enough.”
Since abusers are typically in a position of power, their words hold an outsized amount of weight to their victims, and this imbalance is exploited. Emotional/psychological abuse can be just as or even more destructive as physical abuse, but it is often easier to overlook due to its complexities and manipulative character.
Physical, sexual, and/or verbal abuse can also be present. In many situations, victims may fear for their own lives. This fear is not irrational, as “one in five homicide victims [is] killed by an intimate partner.” Because abuse progresses slowly, it may be difficult for the victim to detect when abusive tendencies occur. Many times, abusive relationships look and feel normal at first. Abuse may first present itself as small comments or controlling tendencies that could be easily dismissed, and precursors of abuse are often disregarded as they can be minute. Some examples of this controlling behavior might be telling the victim “how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.” Verbal abuse frequently morphs into physical abuse, and before a victim can grasp the gravity of the situation, they are fearing for not only their well-being, but sometimes their life. This difficulty of leaving an abusive relationship increases when victims are concerned for their survival and/or feel responsible for their abuser's life. Abusers take advantage of this anxiety, so even if a victim escapes the relationship, they may be reeled back in, possibly by the abuser threatening to physically harm/kill the victim or themselves if they do not return. The fear a victim feels, coupled with the reliance and emotional control the abuser holds over them, leaves them with few other options but to return to the relationship.
“Why is my friend or family member distancing themselves from me?”
Contrary to what you may believe or be feeling, your loved one is most likely not distancing themselves because of something you did, or even anything related to your relationship. Isolation is the root of many abusive relationships, and it is often intentional by the abuser. Individuals who are isolated from their communities are left in a compromised position, producing an environment that can allow abuse to continue undetected. Without a support system to talk to and lean on, victims may not recognize abuse and will unknowingly allow it to progress.
After an individual is isolated from their community, the one person readily available to them is their abuser.
“But who was I going to call? I don’t have a support system. I don’t have people around me that I can go to. At that point, that person had been my boss.”
Once abusers establish this isolation, maintaining control of the victim is easier, and the level of control can quickly escalate. After leaving an abusive relationship, a victim may remain secluded.
“Eventually, a lot of the threats he had made over all those years started to come true. My family isolated me. I lost a lot of friends. I felt like I had no support.”
This isolation can guide a victim back to an abusive partner.
“I don’t understand – why didn't they confide in me?”
It can be challenging to understand why your friend, sibling, or teammate didn’t come to you, whether to report and/or ask for support. In abusers' attempts to isolate their victims, they will often turn their victims against friends and family.
“Over time, he started to indoctrinate me against other adults, including his wife. He’d tell me they weren't on my side, or didn't love me the way that he did.”
Abuse thrives in secrecy. Seclusion of the victim from outside systems and individuals aids the abuser’s intentions. In combination with isolation and secrecy, since victims are secluded from their communities, they develop an emotional dependency and reliance on their abusers. “In some cases, they[victims] may idolize them,” advancing an already unequal power dynamic. Abusers want to convince their victims that they are the only one who cares about them while making them feel special and desired.
“He said I was special and that I was the only one that understood him.”
By using specific tactics and phrases, such as these, abusers justify their behavior to their victims. When victims are coaxed into this mindset by the abuser, the manipulation may make it more difficult for them to understand the abuse and, in turn, disclose it. Rarely does this have to do with your relationship with the victim, but rather with the relationship between the victim and abuser.
“My loved one reached out to me for help, or I suspect they are experiencing abuse in a relationship. What should I do?”
It is challenging to determine how to navigate disclosure from a victim, from knowing what to say to how to support them in the short and long term. If you find yourself in this position, consider the points listed below.
- Remove any external judgment or critique you may be entering the conversation with.
- It is essential to give victims grace in their individual situations. Every case of abuse is unique, making it complicated to comprehend what a victim may be experiencing. Leave your prior knowledge about the perpetrator and other personal motives out of the conversation.
- Always believe a victim when they confide in you.
- False accusations are rare, estimated to occur at a rate of 2-8%. A victim of abuse is typically hesitant to report the abuse to begin with, and supporting survivors starts with believing.
- Having a prior connection to the perpetrator or a favorable opinion of them is not a reason to discredit victims, but rather a reason to promote safeguarding practices and abuse awareness within your community. Perpetrators do not always fit the ‘profile’ of an abuser, but this does not mean they are incapable of abuse.
- False accusations are rare, estimated to occur at a rate of 2-8%. A victim of abuse is typically hesitant to report the abuse to begin with, and supporting survivors starts with believing.
- Do your best to support victims in the ways they ask.
- You might feel inclined to support in a more linear way, by jumping into problem-solving mode and immediately trying to take the next step to find a solution. There is not always a direct solution; there are often multiple paths for survivors. Ultimately, how to proceed is their decision, so let the victim guide you. Your job is to be there and provide any nonjudgmental support and options they need and/or request. Leaving an abusive situation does not always mean reporting or pursuing a criminal trial. If the survivor does not wish to report to the authorities, that is their choice. Supporting a survivor seeking alternative justice options is just as important. Furthermore, a victim choosing not to report immediately does not close the door for them to file a report in the future.
- Avoid sharing your personal opinion on the situation.
- You may want to provide your own opinion when a victim approaches you for help. This confidence in you is a desire for support, not an invitation for opinion or criticism. Additionally, commenting on your personal relationship with the perpetrator can be damaging to the victim and may shut them down. Try to avoid using phrases that might indirectly blame the victim, such as telling them that they should have listened to you or asking why they didn’t recognize the abuse sooner.
- Be kind to yourself as you navigate this situation alongside the victim.
- It can be devastating to discover that someone you love has or is experiencing abuse. It is natural to want to blame yourself or feel regretful that you didn’t notice the abuse or intervene, whether sooner or at all. While we strive to safeguard our sports and communities, the only person responsible for abuse is the abuser. Instead of ruminating on the past, look forward and focus on supporting the survivor, prioritizing your self-care, and helping protect the future of your community.
Abusive relationships are highly complicated situations that require a delicate approach. Victims of abuse are trying to protect themselves, and sometimes other individuals close to their abuser.
“I was prepared to die with that statement. I was prepared to take it to my grave in order to protect this man's image and to protect my family’s dynamics.”
The duration it takes a victim to leave, or report, does not imply the severity of the abuse or affect the validity of their story. Meet victims where they are, and be there for them when, or if, they decide to take further action.
If you or someone you know needs immediate help, please visit our Crisis Resources page.
We see you, we hear you, we believe you. #WeRideTogether.
Katie Kehring
Intern at #WeRideTogether
