“My mom coached me for a long time. Even after I started working with other coaches, I never stopped supporting my mom, helping run her business, and consulting with her as I branched out on my own. I wanted to support her. I wanted to help her succeed. My relationship with my sport and my relationship with my mom were intertwined in ways that extended far beyond training and competition.
It was a gift to spend so much time immersed in my sport. The many hours my mom and I spent together directly contributed to my success as an athlete. I was at every practice and every competition. I was essentially an extension of my mom, helping with daily tasks, practices, and logistics.
As a child, it was difficult to separate my mom's role as my coach from her role as my parent. When I practiced or competed, I had to see her as my coach first and my mom second. I was expected to serve as a role model for other athletes, and my performance mattered because it directly affected my mom’s business financially.
Learning to work through challenges, manage disappointment, and persevere when things are difficult are important parts of being an athlete. But some days, I needed to know I could struggle without being made to feel weak, ungrateful, or like a disappointment.
When your parent is your coach, it can be hard to know where to put those feelings, especially when the person you would normally turn to for comfort is also the one expecting you to push through alone.”
–Anonymous Athlete
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When a parent is also a coach, the relationship can offer unique opportunities for connection, growth, and shared achievement. But it can also create competing expectations, particularly when a child feels responsible not only for their own performance but also for their parent's success, reputation, and emotions.
A dual relationship in sports occurs when someone in a position of power within an athletic environment has multiple types of relationships with an athlete beyond their primary professional role.
These relationships can be personal, familial, social, financial, romantic, and/or business-related. For example, a coach may also be an athlete's family member or family friend.
One type of dual relationship that exists in many athletic spaces is the coach-parent dual relationship. This overlap can blur boundaries between parenting and coaching, making it hard to separate emotional support from performance expectations, manage perceived favoritism, address conflicts of interest, and ensure the child’s needs as both an athlete and a family member are met.
Sport involves instruction, expectations, and difficult feedback. But a parent-child relationship shouldn't excuse behavior that would otherwise raise concerns.
For example, research shows parent-coaches can struggle with attempts to avoid perceptions of favoritism, which can lead to:
- Deliberately giving their own children harsher feedback than other athletes to demonstrate fairness.
- Withholding public praise or recognition from their child, such as excluding them from weekly awards, to avoid perceptions of favoritism.
- Criticizing their child and limiting encouragement to avoid appearing biased to other parents and athletes.
While these behaviors may stem from a desire to be perceived as fair, they can create a different set of pressures for the parent-coach’s athlete. When a parent is also a coach, the challenge is recognizing when efforts to maintain professional boundaries begin to undermine the support, trust, and emotional security a child needs from their parent. In more serious cases, the overlap between parental authority and coaching power can create harmful dynamics inside and outside of sport.
Some examples of abusive parent-coach behavior include:
- Estonian freestyle skier Kelly Sildaru’s father and former coach, Tõnis Sildaru, was found guilty of embezzling more than €1 million in assets Kelly earned during her childhood; the court found he misused her funds for his own benefit and that of others.
- Norwegian Olympic track and field champion Jakob Ingebrigtsen’s father and former coach, Gjert Ingebrigtsen, Jakob and his sister Ingrid testified about alleged physical abuse, intimidation, and controlling behavior within their family and athletic upbringing.
- Former tennis player Jelena Dokic spoke publicly about the physical, verbal, and emotional abuse she experienced from her father, who also served as her coach.
However, having a parent as a coach isn't inherently bad or harmful. But like all dual relationships, this dynamic requires an awareness that the parent-child relationship doesn't disappear when practice begins.
Having a parent as your coach can be a meaningful experience for both the parent and athlete. It can strengthen relationships and create opportunities the athlete might not otherwise have.
Most importantly, young athletes need adults in their lives who recognize that developing a successful athlete and supporting a healthy child are not competing goals.
Children need to know that their worth isn't dependent on their performance. They need opportunities to express their own goals, voice concerns, and make mistakes without worrying that those things will jeopardize their relationship with their parent.
It’s also important to note that parents can be excellent, decorated coaches but still lack knowledge of safety and best practices in athletic environments. Being around a sport every day can create incredible opportunities to learn. Young athletes can build experience, instincts, technical knowledge, and an understanding of the demands of competition.
But time in a sport doesn't automatically mean a young athlete has learned everything they need to participate safely, recognize risks, or understand appropriate boundaries. Athletes need more than technical instruction. They need guidance about safety, appropriate conduct, boundaries, and what to do when something doesn't feel right.
They need to know it's okay to ask questions, and that speaking up won't make them less committed to their sport. These things shouldn't be left to chance, regardless of how experienced a parent-coach may be.
If you are a parent-coach, it may be helpful to reflect on the following questions:
- Can my athlete ask for a break from talking about sport?
- Can my athlete ask for a break from the sport itself?
- Does a disappointing performance affect home life?
- Can my child express frustration with my coaching without worrying about hurting my feelings?
- Do I have a way to recognize when it's time to stop coaching and return to being a parent?
If you are an athlete whose parent is your coach, remember:
- You are more than your performance.
- You deserve support both in and out of your sport.
- You are allowed to set boundaries.
- And you are not alone. You can reach out to the Courage First Athlete Helpline to process any difficult situations and for crisis support.
For more parental support, click here.
For more coach support, click here.
For more athlete support, click here.
If you or someone you know needs support, visit our crisis resources.
Michaela Callie, MBA
Executive Director at #WeRideTogether
mcallie@weridetogether.today
